Entry tags:
Vulnerability and Shame
I'm reading a book right now on how Shame prevents us from being happy, and how to train yourself out of feeling shame.
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7015403-the-gifts-of-imperfection
It's AMAZING. I'll review it fully on GoodReads, but wanted to briefly share something here from my own experience.
I posted today, in Google+, a question about why people think the drone assassinations are worthy of our support, and should result in us enthusiastically voting for Obama.
I AM enthusiastic about voting for Obama. I think he has compassion, intelligence, and is doing an excellent job taking care of the country.
But I find his use of military drones to assassinate people to be morally reprehensible, more so than many other forms of warfare; largely because it allows greater abstraction of the targets. So I was asking for someone to give me a logical argument for why this program might be for the best, so I could throw more of my support behind the President. Intellectually lazy, I know.
Anyway. That's not what this post is about. THIS post is about the fact that I now feel ASHAMED of posting it. An acquainted posted, and then deleted, the comment "Seriously?" and that is where my shame began. I started to over-explain my stance. I started to post external references. I tried to get some social proof working for me, to increase support for my words. I felt like people would blame me for trying to take votes away from Obama. I felt like people were judging me for questioning this policy and holding the president responsible for it. I felt like my standing with people was at risk, that many would conclude that I was a bad person, or stupid, or unrealistic.
And that's what shame is. It's the feeling you have that you ARE bad instead of that an action you took was bad. And I don't think that this action was bad, or hurtful. But I was worried it could be construed that way, and felt like my entire online and personal reputation was on the line. I was worried I was wrong. I was worried I could be misinterpreted. I was worried that people wouldn't LIKE me anymore.
In general, most of my political posts online are subject to this. I will write them up, post them, and then, often before anybody even gets a chance to read them, much less criticize them, I feel regret. I feel scared that I will be shamed. That turns into shame. Then I also feel gutless and weak for not being able to stand up for my beliefs, or at least experiment with what my beliefs are.
Brene Brown (the author of the book) talks about how shame thrives in silence and secrecy. So here, in a safer space, semi-anonymously, I am attempting to find the sway that it has over me, by talking about it.
Why do I think this is worthwhile to do?
First of all, it's not that I feel I was raised to believe that shame was a good thing, but I feel like I was raised in a culture where shame was seen as a useful tool. You feel shame when you commit a wrong, like hurting someone or being disrespectful or not following the social code, because, until you are forgiven, you ARE a bad person with that sin on your soul. You don't fit. You might not go to heaven. You are judged and categorized. It's a tool in reminding you not to hurt people around you. It's also a form of aversion therapy. If you don't want to FEEL LIKE A BAD PERSON, don't do BAD THINGS. That's the logic.
Brown talks about how there's another way to classify bad actions. As something you do, not something you are, and says that this is what guilt is. And that guilt is by-far the better emotion. Because when you feel guilty for something you did, you can make amends. You can take action to try and fix it. You can apologize. And you can do this without needing to first be transformed into another person who is better. I find this immensely liberating.
The odd thing is, that when I think about my post in the context of GUILT, I don't feel bad about it. Well, I feel a little bit like maybe it wasn't necessary to raise people's blood pressure with such a heated topic, and I don't really think it's so important that I'd do it again. Maybe it was a mistake. But I don't feel like I need to apologize, or take any subsequent actions to fix the situation. I can't identify someone that I've hurt, and can't identify a way to make amends. So I feel: FINE.
If I switch to thinking about how people will judge me, I get all anxious again. Because I feel shame at being a controversial poster of ideas in a public place. But no guilt at doing so. It's a crazy thought exercise and a bit dizzying.
I'm just starting the next chapter, which talks about belonging and fitting in.
She asserts that Belonging is being who you are. But Fitting in is modifying yourself to get along better with people. And she says that people want to belong, but since you can't force a sense of belonging, they substitute efforts to fit in instead. And that's why I think I feel shame. Because I'm essentially anxious about fitting in. I want people to love me, and if they disagree with me, maybe I don't fit in and maybe I can't be their friends (so goes the crazy talk) and OMG, I won't FIT IN, and nobody will ever love me and I will spiral down forever.
So the goal of the book is to talk about how some people seem to have this tremendous capacity for love, and self-love, and her thesis is that this come out of being Vulnerable. I have a lot of struggles with Vulnerability and Belonging. This book is therefore very useful to me exploring that.
and and and.....
More later. I just wanted to share my experience today.
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7015403-the-gifts-of-imperfection
It's AMAZING. I'll review it fully on GoodReads, but wanted to briefly share something here from my own experience.
I posted today, in Google+, a question about why people think the drone assassinations are worthy of our support, and should result in us enthusiastically voting for Obama.
I AM enthusiastic about voting for Obama. I think he has compassion, intelligence, and is doing an excellent job taking care of the country.
But I find his use of military drones to assassinate people to be morally reprehensible, more so than many other forms of warfare; largely because it allows greater abstraction of the targets. So I was asking for someone to give me a logical argument for why this program might be for the best, so I could throw more of my support behind the President. Intellectually lazy, I know.
Anyway. That's not what this post is about. THIS post is about the fact that I now feel ASHAMED of posting it. An acquainted posted, and then deleted, the comment "Seriously?" and that is where my shame began. I started to over-explain my stance. I started to post external references. I tried to get some social proof working for me, to increase support for my words. I felt like people would blame me for trying to take votes away from Obama. I felt like people were judging me for questioning this policy and holding the president responsible for it. I felt like my standing with people was at risk, that many would conclude that I was a bad person, or stupid, or unrealistic.
And that's what shame is. It's the feeling you have that you ARE bad instead of that an action you took was bad. And I don't think that this action was bad, or hurtful. But I was worried it could be construed that way, and felt like my entire online and personal reputation was on the line. I was worried I was wrong. I was worried I could be misinterpreted. I was worried that people wouldn't LIKE me anymore.
In general, most of my political posts online are subject to this. I will write them up, post them, and then, often before anybody even gets a chance to read them, much less criticize them, I feel regret. I feel scared that I will be shamed. That turns into shame. Then I also feel gutless and weak for not being able to stand up for my beliefs, or at least experiment with what my beliefs are.
Brene Brown (the author of the book) talks about how shame thrives in silence and secrecy. So here, in a safer space, semi-anonymously, I am attempting to find the sway that it has over me, by talking about it.
Why do I think this is worthwhile to do?
First of all, it's not that I feel I was raised to believe that shame was a good thing, but I feel like I was raised in a culture where shame was seen as a useful tool. You feel shame when you commit a wrong, like hurting someone or being disrespectful or not following the social code, because, until you are forgiven, you ARE a bad person with that sin on your soul. You don't fit. You might not go to heaven. You are judged and categorized. It's a tool in reminding you not to hurt people around you. It's also a form of aversion therapy. If you don't want to FEEL LIKE A BAD PERSON, don't do BAD THINGS. That's the logic.
Brown talks about how there's another way to classify bad actions. As something you do, not something you are, and says that this is what guilt is. And that guilt is by-far the better emotion. Because when you feel guilty for something you did, you can make amends. You can take action to try and fix it. You can apologize. And you can do this without needing to first be transformed into another person who is better. I find this immensely liberating.
The odd thing is, that when I think about my post in the context of GUILT, I don't feel bad about it. Well, I feel a little bit like maybe it wasn't necessary to raise people's blood pressure with such a heated topic, and I don't really think it's so important that I'd do it again. Maybe it was a mistake. But I don't feel like I need to apologize, or take any subsequent actions to fix the situation. I can't identify someone that I've hurt, and can't identify a way to make amends. So I feel: FINE.
If I switch to thinking about how people will judge me, I get all anxious again. Because I feel shame at being a controversial poster of ideas in a public place. But no guilt at doing so. It's a crazy thought exercise and a bit dizzying.
I'm just starting the next chapter, which talks about belonging and fitting in.
She asserts that Belonging is being who you are. But Fitting in is modifying yourself to get along better with people. And she says that people want to belong, but since you can't force a sense of belonging, they substitute efforts to fit in instead. And that's why I think I feel shame. Because I'm essentially anxious about fitting in. I want people to love me, and if they disagree with me, maybe I don't fit in and maybe I can't be their friends (so goes the crazy talk) and OMG, I won't FIT IN, and nobody will ever love me and I will spiral down forever.
So the goal of the book is to talk about how some people seem to have this tremendous capacity for love, and self-love, and her thesis is that this come out of being Vulnerable. I have a lot of struggles with Vulnerability and Belonging. This book is therefore very useful to me exploring that.
and and and.....
More later. I just wanted to share my experience today.