thaleia

 In other news, I just had a heck of a time not writing "Apologies if this information was covered in previous conversations while I was on leave"

I shouldn't have to apologize for not knowing something, not if they want me to participate.  I just don't want to look STUPID/UNINFORMED.  

 I'm reading a book right now on how Shame prevents us from being happy, and how to train yourself out of feeling shame.
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7015403-the-gifts-of-imperfection 
It's AMAZING.  I'll review it fully on GoodReads, but wanted to briefly share something here from my own experience.  

I posted today, in Google+, a question about why people think the drone assassinations are worthy of our support, and should result in us enthusiastically voting for Obama.  

I AM enthusiastic about voting for Obama.  I think he has compassion, intelligence, and is doing an excellent job taking care of the country.  
But I find his use of military drones to assassinate people to be morally reprehensible, more so than many other forms of warfare; largely because it allows greater abstraction of the targets.  So I was asking for someone to give me a logical argument for why this program might be for the best, so I could throw more of my support behind the President.  Intellectually lazy, I know.  

Anyway.  That's not what this post is about.  THIS post is about the fact that I now feel ASHAMED of posting it.  An acquainted posted, and then deleted, the comment "Seriously?" and that is where my shame began.  I started to over-explain my stance.  I started to post external references.  I tried to get some social proof working for me, to increase support for my words.  I felt like people would blame me for trying to take votes away from Obama.  I felt like people were judging me for questioning this policy and holding the president responsible for it.  I felt like my standing with people was at risk, that many would conclude that I was a bad person, or stupid, or unrealistic.  

And that's what shame is.  It's the feeling you have that you ARE bad instead of that an action you took was bad.  And I don't think that this action was bad, or hurtful.  But I was worried it could be construed that way, and felt like my entire online and personal reputation was on the line.  I was worried I was wrong.  I was worried I could be misinterpreted.  I was worried that people wouldn't LIKE me anymore.  

In general, most of my political posts online are subject to this.  I will write them up, post them, and then, often before anybody even gets a chance to read them, much less criticize them, I feel regret.  I feel scared that I will be shamed.  That turns into shame.  Then I also feel gutless and weak for not being able to stand up for my beliefs, or at least experiment with what my beliefs are.  

Brene Brown (the author of the book) talks about how shame thrives in silence and secrecy.  So here, in a safer space, semi-anonymously, I am attempting to find the sway that it has over me, by talking about it.  

Why do I think this is worthwhile to do?  
First of all, it's not that I feel I was raised to believe that shame was a good thing, but I feel like I was raised in a culture where shame was seen as a useful tool.  You feel shame when you commit a wrong, like hurting someone or being disrespectful or not following the social code, because, until you are forgiven, you ARE a bad person with that sin on your soul.  You don't fit.  You might not go to heaven.  You are judged and categorized.  It's a tool in reminding you not to hurt people around you.  It's also a form of aversion therapy.  If you don't want to FEEL LIKE A BAD PERSON, don't do BAD THINGS.  That's the logic.  

Brown talks about how there's another way to classify bad actions.  As something you do, not something you are, and says that this is what guilt is.  And that guilt is by-far the better emotion.  Because when you feel guilty for something you did, you can make amends.  You can take action to try and fix it.  You can apologize.  And you can do this without needing to first be transformed into another person who is better.  I find this immensely liberating.  

The odd thing is, that when I think about my post in the context of GUILT, I don't feel bad about it.  Well, I feel a little bit like maybe it wasn't necessary to raise people's blood pressure with such a heated topic, and I don't really think it's so important that I'd do it again.  Maybe it was a mistake.  But I don't feel like I need to apologize, or take any subsequent actions to fix the situation.  I can't identify someone that I've hurt, and can't identify a way to make amends.  So I feel: FINE.  
If I switch to thinking about how people will judge me, I get all anxious again.  Because I feel shame at being a controversial poster of ideas in a public place.  But no guilt at doing so.  It's a crazy thought exercise and a bit dizzying.  

I'm just starting the next chapter, which talks about belonging and fitting in.  
She asserts that Belonging is being who you are.  But Fitting in is modifying yourself to get along better with people.  And she says that people want to belong, but since you can't force a sense of belonging, they substitute efforts to fit in instead.  And that's why I think I feel shame.  Because I'm essentially anxious about fitting in.  I want people to love me, and if they disagree with me, maybe I don't fit in and maybe I can't be their friends (so goes the crazy talk) and OMG, I won't FIT IN, and nobody will ever love me and I will spiral down forever.  

So the goal of the book is to talk about how some people seem to have this tremendous capacity for love, and self-love, and her thesis is that this come out of being Vulnerable.  I have a lot of struggles with Vulnerability and Belonging.  This book is therefore very useful to me exploring that.  

and and and.....


More later.  I just wanted to share my experience today.  

This is an interesting article: 
http://finance.fortune.cnn.com/2012/10/08/retirement-is-brave/?iid=obinsite

I am struck by this paragraph: 

Over the course of my life, I have had a few acts of real bravery. I gave birth to all three of my children, including the nearly ten-pounder without drugs. I started a company at 23, with a $50,000 bank loan guaranteed by my parents. I was terrified that I would lose their precious money, but I paid them back in 18 months. I locked my ex-husband, an addict, out the house and forced him into rehab. That took more courage that you can imagine. When I was 13, I convinced a man who kidnapped me not to rape me and instead to drive me back home. In each of these moments I had to overcome real, tangible fear and do something that required me to dig deep and find the courage to deal with the situation.

Effing dykes is new.   Oh, bliss.  I wait patiently for each new entry.   She talks about cheating.  Which I've never done, nor have I been cheated on, at least by my and my partner's definitions.  My definition of cheating is something around "Did you engage in physical or emotional intimacy that was not condoned by a person in your life with whom you have promised physical or emotional intimacy to?"  Which is a fancy way of saying - "Did you violate a contract that you made with someone, and did it hurt his/her feelings?"  Which can be refined to "Don't be thoughtless about your actions."  Which is probably too vague to be useful.  Anyway, there's a healthy comment board on this post with other thoughts that the readers have.  
http://effingdykes.blogspot.com/2012/06/thanks-hiya-slit-ticklers-ive-missed.html  

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I adore the art of  Nikki McClure. Currently I have one of her journals and some notecards.  I enjoyed this interview on how she makes her art, and on the philosophy of thought, memory, and handiwork that goes with it.  
http://kindness.ravenandcrowstudio.com/2011/01/journal-of-movement-of-world.html 

And by way of her blog, some links to things to do with old calendars, or other pretty scrap paper: 
Paper star - http://www.squidoo.com/make-paper-snowflakes 
Gift bag -  http://liberatedspaces.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/baginstructions.jpg 
I'll be sure to remember these this Christmas.  I want to research repurposing beautiful paper.  

I sometimes keep things that are beautiful but have no use, in the hopes that I could make a use out of them.  Examples: Beads, old neckties, CD liner notes, fat quarters, yarn.  Lurid nail polish.  It's at the essence of crafting, for me.  


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http://www.wired.com/geekmom/2012/04/geekgirlsand50shadesofgrey/ 

This article is mostly for wired and makes me even more disappointed that I missed the excellent panel at WisCON on  Girl Cooties.  My romance novelist of choice is Jennifer Cruisie, with Gail Carriger a close second, but only because I think I never thought of the other novels that I read as romances.  Because once you accept the premise that a romance is a story about love, then almost all books become romances, don't they?  

But lots and lots of them are.  In fact, right now I'm in the middle of The Marriage Plot, which may be an anti-romance romance novel.  We shall see.  

This also reminds me that I need to finally get around to reading the Vorkosigan saga.  It's literally been 15 years since I remember my friends mentioning how good it was.  

For those who always want a new way to prepare for the zombie apocalypse.
http://jezebel.com/5917477/the-swiss-army-tampon-a-life+saving-wilderness-survival-tool 


 All new to me phrases.  
http://jezebel.com/5917898/the-lesbian-slang-lexicon-20-words-and-phrases-youve-never-heard-before
Anecdotal:  Molly Dyke doesn't represent my friend Molly AT ALL.   


Sexism in spell check.  Really, do you fix the algorithm, or fix the biases in human behavior that feed the algorithm?  http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2012/06/why-googles-spellcheck-suggested-i-change-congresswoman-to-congressman/258423/  


I'm glad that we've progressed in society.  Maybe not to the point where images like this don't appear, but at least to the point where when they do they are SOUNDLY ridiculed.  
  http://www.wired.com/geekmom/2012/06/catwoman-zero-cover/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+wired%2Findex+%28Wired%3A+Index+3+%28Top+Stories+2%29%29&utm_content=Google+Feedfetcher

This is way better than the top spinning at the end of that movie.  
1) http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2633#comic   
 

2) Images of women / the expression of hyper-femininity as art.  
 http://volup2.com/

Update: 
 http://www.magcloud.com/browse/issue/400910

3) The world's worst password rules.  Although upon reflection, arcane restrictions like this do make a valid security recommendation, in that they ensure that people won't reuse passwords across multiple sites.  But that also means they won't remember them.  In a world where email retrieval is the fallback, your email account becomes as valuable as your house keys or your government-issued id.  
http://kottke.org/12/06/the-worlds-worst-password-requirements-list 


4) Advice for food writers, that I think translates pretty well to general advice on writing about ANYTHING: 
http://food52.com/blog/3195_advice_for_future_food_writers  


And in the less easily linkable: 

1) The New Yorker's Sci Fi Issue (June 4th and 11th) was a gem.  The editorials by Gibson and Atwood and LeGuin were wonderful.   The fiction was better than usual, especially the "published on twitter"  http://twitter.com/#!/NYerFiction  story by Jennifer Egan.  

But the real standout for me was a most beautiful and true depiction of how I felt as a kid, when I learned to love fantasy and science fiction.  Thinking about it more, I think that if I hadn't found science fiction, I may have stopped reading for pleasure by the time I was an adult.  Let's be honest, voracious readers will run out of "literary" fiction, especially school-sanctioned, age-appropriate fiction after a single school semester.  Genre fiction - horror, science fiction, fantasy will last them forever.  
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2012/06/04/120604fa_fact_russell - "Quests" 
God bless you, Karen Russell.  And yes, I just bought her short story collection on the strength of this short article alone.  


2) Walking in Golden Gate Park yesterday, I thought about how much I enjoy being in outside space segregated by trees and landscapes.  I enjoy walking where I can hear, but not see, people laughing, music playing, and other summer noises.  And walking becomes more enjoyable when you reach the rise of a hill and are surprised by a framed vista of something unexpected.  You can only see the Golden Gate Bridge from a few places in the Golden Gate Park, but we stumbled upon one of them, and marveled at the image of the tippy-top of the bridge, framed by trees and apartment buildings, standing proud against the Marin Headlands.  

 Has there been a story yet about the future, where the Catholic Church has elevated sexuality?  

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/06/opinion/dowd-is-pleasure-a-sin.html 

 You know, it's all about the waiting.

I'm reading novels again, books again, after a long time of reading nothing more than snippets of text off the internet, where an 8 page article is a very long one.  I am enjoying the switch.  

It's not so much that the content is different, necessarily.  Although Joan Didion - The Year of Magical Thinking..... it was amazing and unlike anything else I've ever read in its power and poignancy.  It's that focusing on longer works teaches me, it trains me to learn how to hold my breath and dive deeper into a world of semantics and connotation and feeling.  

When I read a longer work, I focus.  I dive into it, and it affects my brain, my perception of time differently.  It slows down the noise of my surroundings.  The noise of the train, the traffic, and commuters.  I enter a light trace-like state, where I absorb and process thoughts more easily.  Additionally, my brain copies, a little bit, the content that I put into it.  

When I think of the impact I want to have on the world, it's not to have more followers, or to support my family off of the ad revenue.  What I want is to give people a moment so beautiful and big and complex that it swallows them up.  I want them to remember later how it made them feel to read the words that I put into form for them.